a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I lost the right to judge tonight
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
