i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
