i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
