I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
