I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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