New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
