Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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