In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
