Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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