How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
