youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
