I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
