I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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