I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
