So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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