Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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