Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
