I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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