are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
