are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
