I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
