When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
