Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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