watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
