I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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