remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
