how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
