Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
