I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
