i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
