also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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