I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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