why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
