Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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