if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
