I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize