I just threw up on my dentist
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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