you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
