Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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