just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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