you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
