I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
