I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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