: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
