I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
