I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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