yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
