guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
