i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
