she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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