Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
