peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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