i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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