please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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