So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
is wine microwaveable?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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