They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
