life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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